English Reader

Why and how I got myself into this situation is still unclear to me. A lady friend, a quite good looking lady friend, (okay, okay, so I do know why and how I got myself into this situation) asked me to check her two cats while she was out of town for several days. I said, "Sure." I thought to myself, "How difficult could it be to check on her cats?" Before she left she told me that one of her cats was on medication for dry skin. Yes, dry skin. I thought to myself, "Give me a break!" However I kept my mouth shut because she is a good friend and as I said before, quite a good looking friend. Her one cat was required to take two pills a day and also needed to have Neosporin put on a sore on his skin. "No problem", I foolishly replied.

First of all, I do not, never did, and probably never will understand women and their fascination with cats. Cats like their independence, they never listen to you and they won't come to you if you call them. They are lazy, enjoy sleeping all day and staying out all night. If they drank beer and watched sports on television then they would be just like most of the men that these women have dated in their lives. Yet they love their cats. Many single women I know have cats. They never seem to have just one cat, they usually have at least two cats. Why? So the cats will have company when the woman is away. I never did understand why a cat, an animal that is very independent, would need or even want company when its owner is away. I would think that most cats are probably happy when their owner is away. They finally have got the entire place to themselves. However many women I know insist on having a second cat to keep the first cat company. All of these women are single. I also know of one woman who owns seven cats. She is also single. I believe it is because she owns seven cats.

I arrived at my lady friend's house at 11 a.m. and found a note instructing me what to do. "Check food". The food is A-OK. "Check Water". Well, the water dish was a little low so I'll add some water. However the note instructed me to "Only give them bottled water which is in the refrigerator"! I thought to myself, "Bottled water? The cats only drink bottled water?" When I visit my lady friend and ask for water, she gives me tap water. I may have to re-evaluate my friendship with this lady friend. I filled the cats' water dish with the aforementioned bottled water. I read the rest of the instructions she had left for me. The note went on saying, "Poopy bags are in the flowered green fabric holder hanging off the metal rack beside the litter box." Yes, you read me right, she wrote, "poopy bags." I really have to re-evaluate my friendship with this woman.

Now it is time to give Lucas, the male cat, his medicine. I was instructed to hide the pill inside some veggie cheese. Yes, the cat likes veggie cheese, made from soy. Apparently Lucas is a bottled water drinking, vegetarian cat. I did as instructed and put the pill inside the veggie cheese. The cat not only ate all of the veggie cheese, he also somehow managed to eat around the pill. All of the veggie cheese was gone yet the pill remained. I now must think of a "Plan B."

I decided to hide the pill in a piece of turkey. What the heck? I could not have any worse luck, could I? Lucas ate the turkey and once again managed to eat around the pill. One thing was certain. Lucas is not a vegetarian. I next attempted to hide the pill in some tuna. Albacore, actually. Again, Lucas ate all of the tuna and left the pill. Another thing was certain. Lucas likes to eat.

I then remembered my lady friend saying that I could hide the pill inside a cat snack treat. Aha! The old hiding the pill in a cat snack treat routine. I proceeded to find the cat treats. There were "Grilled Yellowfin Tuna Flavored Treats" and "Shrimp and Crab Medley Flavored Treats" and "Oven Roasted Breast of Chicken Flavored Treats" and "Hearty Beef Flavored Treats" and "Salmon Flavored Treats." These cats eat better than most people. I decided to first try the "Whiskas Temptations Salmon Flavored Treats." Why? Because on the package it read, "What Cats Want". That was good enough for me. Unfortunately it was not what this cat wanted. I put the pill in each of the treats and Lucas would not go near any of the them. One more thing was certain. Lucas was full. I now must wait until he gets hungry again. I had not thought that this would be an all day event.

While waiting for Lucas to get hungry again I thought I would make an attempt to put the Neosporin on his sore. This went better than expected. I accomplished this task in a mere 45 minutes and I successfully managed not to bleed on any of my friend's furniture as I ran to the bathroom to cleanse my multiple scratch wounds. Although Lucas may not hold a high regard for Neosporin, I have a new found appreciation for it.

Afterwards I noticed Lucas licking the Neosporin off of his sore. My first thought was, "Well, that was a complete waste of time and blood!" Then I got an idea. I'll put some Neosporin on his pill. He seems to like the taste of Neosporin. And you know what? It did not work either! So much for shouting with glee and becoming rich of my idea for a "Neosporin Flavored Cat Treat".

I looked at my watch. It was almost 2 o'clock. This unsuccessful ordeal had taken almost 3 hours! And I am supposed to do this twice a day for the next four days. Yet one more thing was certain. I must come up with a "Plan C". 

Knowing that I had made a valid attempt made it easier to implement "Plan C". Because of "Plan C", day two, three, and four of my cat-sitting adventure went smoothly. My lady friend arrived home late on day four, none the wiser, thanking me again and again for looking after her beloved cats. What was "Plan C"? Well, "Plan C" was a simple plan. I figured that since Lucas was required to take 2 pills a day for 4 days then that would equate to 8 pills. (Thank God for calculators!) I took 8 pills out of the bottle and threw them in the garbage. I used the Neosporin on my own wounds thus making it look like I used it on Lucas. I did not bother going over to her house to check on the cats at all on day 2 or 3. I went over just on day 4 to change the water and litter box in order to make it appear like I did everything she wanted me to do. You may be asking yourselves, "Doesn't he feel any sense of guilt for his deceitful ways?" The answer is, "No!". Well, maybe someday I will, after my wounds heal and the scars fade away. I did not want to implement "Plan C" but I had no other choice. I could not afford to waste several hours of my valuable time along with losing a pint of blood each day. Not when there are "Friends" returns to watch on television. Besides, that will teach her to give me tap water!